How talking to strangers can directly benefit my love life
Whether you want to call it a closed hearted, lack of social skills or insecurity, the fact is, we walk past hundreds of people everyday day and ignore everyone one of them. But I’m beginning to realise how this has a knock on effect on dating. Recently I’ve become aware of the awkwardness we show around people that we don’t know- the people on the bus, in the gym, next to us in the queue – we ignore everyone around us. But why? I know that for me it boils down to lack of self confidence, fear of judgement and simply the fear of the unknown. I feel all sorts of uncomfortable with a hint of shyness when having to start (or instigate) a conversation with somebody that I have no idea where they’re from, what they like and how they’ll react to my random conversation(s). It’s strange that most of us feel this way, because human interaction is the most natural thing alive. But if it’s so natural, why don’t we like doing it?
After analysing afew months of my behaviour (and others) I began to realise that closing ourselves off to others, stunts us in so many other areas in life and can often make us miss opportunities that are presented before us. Here’s an example: I’m living my normal life (rarely speaking to anyone I see) when I see a nice looking chap standing before me in a queue. I internalise starting a conversation, us smiling at each other and maybe one of us asking the other out before we go our separate ways. Then, a sudden flash of fear washes over me and I have a second mental thought of him ignoring me and his girlfriend walking over. Now, if I was in the habit of talking to strangers and starting beautifully random conversations with people from all walks of life – aswell as living my ‘Don’t judge’ approach to life – how much easier would sparking up a conversation with hotstuff be. I’d use my self confidence, experience and new found social skills to follow my heart to which ever person it took me too. And if he did so happen to have a girlfriend, she’d smile and honour the courage it took for me to speak out, understanding that I too am on my quest for love.
I’m not saying that we’re all socially inept, but in general, we’re all so afraid to speak to strangers. Is this because our parents once told us that speaking to strangers was forbidden and it’s stuck with us ever since? I’m not, sure but I’m so sure that if we all got used to speaking to people we don’t know more often, it would have a positive impact and a direct effect on our single life. There’d be more opportunity, with the probability of meeting someone being significantly increased.
I would class myself as confident in other areas of my life but not this one. I can talk to shop assistants and respond naturally to someone asking for directions or about something I’m wearing, but anything beyond this drifts out of my comfort zone. As part of my New Year’s resolution I’m going to try talking more when I’m out and about to see what happens. Imagine if we all made a conscious movement towards showing warmth towards strangers and engaging in smiles, laughter and nice (random) conversations. Imagine after afew times practising how confident we’d feel approaching the opposite sex. Imagine that no one would care about the embarrassment/shame of what might be. Imagine there was no judgement from the receiver of our spontaneity. Imagine the possibilities.
Food for thought
When you’re soul is ready, you’re soulmate will appear. Love knows no time and isn’t bound by time. Love is limitless and it’s depths are endless. I’m healing so deeply at the minute, but I know that when my soul is ready to surface and I’m ready, I will meet my soulmate in divine accordance.
‘Love is a journey not a destination’
The Mathematics Of Wholeness
Over the last few weeks various discussions have arisen in the Facebook group The Dating Circle, but the more comments I see the more I’m realising how much we (as a race) don’t fully understand the meaning of true love and being whole. I’m a massive believer that a person must be happy and whole within their being, in order to have a truly happy and fulfilled relationship. I’ve touched upon this in afew other posts, but whilst out walking I got the idea for this post to further help people (me and everyone else who is in need of alittle guidance) visualise the meaning of ‘wholeness’ and the importance of it when journeying towards true love.
If we compare people to single cells and imagine we’re looking under a microscope. Imagine us (as individuals) each represent one cell which is complete and whole, yet through conditioning we’ve ended up feeling that half of our wholeness/fulfilment is missing. Cells start out whole and when merged together, they still form a whole. There aren’t any half cells floating around looking for other half cells to complete them. 1 merges with 1 to make 1. We too must become whole again in order to find true happiness and true love. Most of us are unknowingly currently searching as half cells, looking for other half cells to complete us, but this isn’t the way it works. If you want a mediocre relationships where the spark fizzles out and you just exist like brother and sister or friends in the same household, then the half cell theory will work. But if you want the real deal, it’s important to focus on becoming whole again: becoming 1.
So many of us are looking far outside of our own being for love and happiness, looking for that someone special to complete us, to make us whole, that it’s becoming an exhausting struggle. One that I now see is out of desperation or loneliness. But one thing I know for sure, is that a relationship formed for the wrong reasons will not last and will still leave you feeling lost, empty and unfulfilled after some time. Why? Because each person must work on becoming whole, in order to have anything close to the real fairytale. Any anger, sadness, loniless, hurt or emotional blockages must be addressed or at least acknowledged for you to have the relationship of your dreams. Exploring these depths of the heart, will uncover true treasures and you’ll be overflowing with an abundance of love. Not only will you heal past hurts, but you’ll start to understand who you really are, what your soulmate looks like and what type of person you’d really like to spend the rest of your life with. Like attracts like. When you find the real you and become whole, will you attract the right person to add to your wholeness.
Like I always say…
‘I want the world to be in love, first with self, then with each other.’
Thank you to my lovely friend Maria for the title inspiration.
Sex: Then and Now
As I continue to self heal and look back on past relationships, flings, dates and everything in between. I’ve noticed that the more work I’m doing and the deeper I go, the more I understand that having sex too soon, sleeping with the wrong guy and an uneven exchange of energy is something I’m not willing to do anymore. I’m always saying that between the age of 20-30, guys have so much to get out of their system (dating, relationships, lusting, cheating, sleeping around etc) that I didn’t want to be part of that and wanted someone older that has been there, done it and knows what he wants. But for women it’s the same in a different sort of way. We too have alot to experience and stuff to get out of our system. It’s a mine field out there when it comes to dating, sex and relationships and throughout our adult teenage years, through to late 20’s, we also need to understand what it’s all about and figure out what we want (there’s also different levels of understanding and knowing what you want, but I’ll go into that in another post).
The one thing that’s becoming really apparent to me especially doing such deep healing this year, is that I WILL NOT have sex with a man that can’t match and reciprocate the conscious even energy exchange during sex. I’ve been saying no for the last 3 years (after I quickly learnt from my previous years what guys were about), but recently I’ve been consciously making the decision to say no in full awareness with no what if’s or but’s. Initially I started saying no because I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere, they were using me or I knew I didn’t want it to go anywhere, but over the last few months I’m saying no for much deeper reasons. See I’ve realised that there’s a difference between conscious sex and unconscious sex and it’s the latter that I am not willing to do anymore. I’m not willing to give myself to a man that (for whatever reason) can’t hold a loving space for me, who’s goal is to ejaculate as fast as possible and who isn’t prepared to think far far beyond his usual bedroom routine. I’m not saying that I’ll never have sex until I find this special person, but when I make the choice to have sex, it’ll be done consciously and I’ll be doing it because I want to.
Here’s all the reasons why I’ve said NO to all you guys previous to the last 12months:
- Because I know the lines you’re spinning are just to get me into to bed.
- Because I know afterwards you’ll be no where to be seen or reply less frequently to my texts because you think you’ve got me.
- Because you only want to fulfil your fantasy.
- Because you think I’m hot and have the best body you’ve ever seen.
- Because you just wonder what it’ll be like.
- Because you’re only thinking with your downstairs brain.
- Because you have no intention of committing.
- Because your want is out of desperation.
- Because the sex will be completely rubbish and leave me feeling empty afterwards.
- Because I’m not your bootycall.
And to the few that I’ve said no to within the last 12 months, this is why:
- Because I want to be fully respected in every moment before, during and after sex. And if I know you don’t understand the true meaning of respect, how can I expect you to show it to me.
- Because my vagina isn’t a hole just for your pleasure. It’s the most sacred part of me.
- Because I don’t want you to treat it like a punch bag, thinking harder or faster makes you king.
- Because sexual anatomy is something I’m pretty sure you haven’t studied. There’s more to me than nipples, a clitoris and a vagina.
- Because I want someone that I can do sensual touch and Red Tantra with and if you don’t know what a Chakra is, you’ll not stick around long enough to learn before I am willing to have sex with you.
- Because I want a man to honour me as a female, a goddess and the giver of life to this planet.
- Because I want a man who knows the difference between conscious sex, unconscious sex, love making, fucking, a quickie, banging and every other sexual act/name out there.
- Because I want a man that doesn’t roll over and go to sleep after he ejaculates.
- Because I want a man who doesn’t emotionally blackmail me if I don’t give him what he wants.
- Because I don’t want to feel depleted, empty or used afterwards.
What do I want?
- I want to be kissed so deeply that time disappears.
- I want there to be an even exchange of energy.
- I want (us both) to feel full whether we’re gazing into each other eyes, making love or enjoying a quickie.
- I want someone that is willing to explore Red Tantra.
- I want (us both) to be able to feel completely comfortable, grounded and loved (even if we’re not in love yet).
- I want to constantly uncover layers of each other in the art of deep exploration.
- And as the quote goes….I want this!!
I’ve now realised that sex has the ability to be sacred whether it’s a one night stand or making love, but if a man hasn’t done the work on himself in order for him to understand all of the above and isn’t fully ready to enjoy sex in a conscious way, then the answer will always be no.
Edited: After reading this post back afew times parts of it seem like I am talking from ego, but I come from a place of love, so instead of changing the words, I’d like to add this.
‘To all of the men that I have said no to, I love you and honour you as a man and for being part of my journey (good or not so good). For the good times and for the lessons, I thank you, because without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today.’
Self Sabotage and Me
If someone would have asked me if I had any ‘self sabotage’ tendencies before last week, the answer would of been no. But after my first therapy session, meditation and therapy I gave to myself afew days after, I’ve discovered that I’m actually guilty of self sabotage. I’m really shocked by this discovery because I’ve always thought that things have just worked out the way they have, just because they have. But since my therapy, I’m now discovering even more of myself, uncovering layers I didn’t know existed and am starting to understand what is at the core of my being and why I behave this way.
I won’t go too much into what happened during my session, as I’m still processing it all and feel the next few weeks will reveal more, but at the core of my being and the reason I subconsciously destroy situations, opportunities and experiences is deeply related to the post that I wrote last month – Am I enough. I had Internal Family Systems by Charmain Berry a Psychotherapist based in Manchester and in a short time what we worked on was truly remarkable. We worked on my Solar Plexus as I told her that’s where one of my blockages were and by the end of the session, I felt much lighter and uncovered a lost 7 year old girl (me) in need of love, care and attention. The Solar Plexus anxiety I was experiencing prior to the session was because I was afraid of letting go. 2 days later after a meditation I replicated what Charmain did and was stunned to find another (teenage) girl also in need of deep love, care and attention. I’m guessing that a series of events and situations that happened throughout my childhood, bit by bit, made me disconnect, keep everybody at arms length and prevent any attempts at anyone trying to get close to me, as a protective mechanism. This is beyond deep, but I can now see why self healing is so important to our evolution, our very existence and finding true love. Even when we think we have a pretty good idea of who we are, there are always more layers to uncover. Layers similar to a jigsaw puzzle, that once sorted and figured out, will allow us to see the bigger picture, act positively with clearer intentions and understand how to go about achieving our desires.
How is this related to finding true love? Because now I can see (looking back) how I have pushed guys away, not given them a chance, nor portrayed myself in the best light, subconsciously said things to put them off me and placed barriers up to divert the path to a relationship….WOW!! And I thought that I’ve been single all this time because I haven’t met the right person (which is kind of true but to not of had short term boyfriends either) this is definitely why.
I’ll share more details about my therapy in time to come, I just wanted to share with you more about my current journey of self healing and the way things are unfolding day by day. Everything in life is interlinked, thoughts create reality, your past determines your future and life really is like a quest. Once we understand this, delve into the complexity of who we are and figure out who we truly are – only then can we experience true deeply connected love. Love is most definitely a journey, not a destination, whether its self love or soulmate love. The two go hand in hand.
Conscious vs Unconscious
Over the last few years I’ve toyed with the idea of being in a conscious relationship vs an unconscious one and have often thought what it would be like if an unconscious person fell for a conscious person, what would happen? Would it work out? For the first 2 years of my awakening I didn’t know what to think as I was too busy feeling upside down. I dated some unconscious men and some very wise ones, but I wasn’t fully sure where my journey was going, so I didn’t pay too much attention to finding someone who was as awakened as me. I was just trying to make sense of what was happening and date in between the not so turbulant times. The 3rd year, after awakening alittle further, I was adamant that if two people weren’t both conscious, there was no chance of it working. I didn’t see how it could be possible. One wanting to watch Coronation Street and the other wanting to go deep, meditate and have endless enlightening coversations. What chance did it have of lasting if they were up against that every day. But now I’m in the fourth year of conscious living, I don’t really know where I’m at with it all. I’ve had my eye out for a nice Spiritual guy but haven’t seem to come across any that I’m compatible with. After 4 years of deep healing, turning myself inside out, living consciously and being on this ever evolving road to love and enlightenment, my thoughts lie with this answer – I really don’t know. I think it would be difficult to have a relationship when the awareness of both individuals are worlds apart, but who knows whats possible anymore. Two conscious people are able to have a deeply connected relationship, but with everyone waking up so quickly, the vibration of a conscious person could raise the vibration of an unconscious person and allow them too to have a beautifully deep connected relationship also.
The beauty of a soulmate connection is what I so truly long for. That ebb and flow of energy, easy living, deep conversations and the constant love and exploration of one another on a soul level; is what the world needs.
The Soulmate Journey
As I make my way through life and my soulmate journey, I’m begining to realise (on a relaxed level) just how different men and women are and its making me wonder just how compatible we really are; or is it a case of opposites attract!! I read an article over the weeeknd about Twin Flames and it really put into perspective why some relationships are so difficult. Although I delve into relationships for work, I’m so intrigued by this, that I’ve created a non-public Facebook group for people to talk openly and honestly about things such as, being single, dating, relationships and everything in between. If men and women could talk to one another informally, perhaps it might help understand one another more and figure out what’s going on in this wacky world of love.
If you’d like to join in the discussions, leave me a comment and I’ll add you to the group.
Honour and Receive
This morning my mind pondered over random experiences and situations throughout my adult life, where I exchanged open dialog with friends and family members. Some things were funny, some painful and other situations that had made me angry, but one thing that I realised, was that I’ve not always been able to honour and receive comments that I deemed painful or judgement to me. What I mean by this is, sometimes when a person has told me something that felt like a puncture to my heart or ego, I wasn’t able to receive the information correctly because I felt upset, hurt or angry. No matter how they delivered it (whether nicely or from their ego or hurt) the information would always have been the same. But the way I received it would of depended on afew different things, such as – how critical is was, what dent it left in my ego and how rubbish it made me feel. If someone is telling me something for my best interest and I can’t receive their words (without responding from my ego to protect my heart), then how can I fully understand what they’re trying to tell me. Here’s a good example of this….I was having a conversation with a close friend last night and he said, from what I know of you, I’m not sure you’re ready to give the right man what is needed from you to have a good relationship. Now afew years ago (or even months) I would of interrupted him before he’d finshed and fired back something with alittle attitude to proetect my crushed (omg I’m not good enough) feelings. But instead, I just sat listened and agreed, as I knew that he was right. I was able to do this because, in my own time I’d already came to this realisation some months before (through the inner healing that I’m doing) and because I’m learning how to truly listen, honour and receive what I’m being told. It’s a difficult situation to be in and equally difficult to do, but now that I’m able to pratise this, something truly beautiful is able to unfold. I’m able to know what it feels like to listen from calmness within and have the time to hear what is being said. I can internalise the words and respond from a place of stillness. And I can honour that persons courage to speak their truth and deliver words that will help me in the present moment or in the future.
Honour and receive can play out in all aspects of life and any form of relationship, whether it be with a brother/sister/parent, a shop assistant or stranger and even with a not so nice work collegue or a new date. No matter what is being said plesant or hurtful, by each person(s) reciprocating the act of ‘Honour and Receive’ life changing patterns, feelings and behaviours can begin to transpire.
I’m Not Enough
After taking some time out from dating to find myself alittle more and go deeper uncovering who I really am, I’ve now decided to start dating again. I’ve been talking to one guy exchanging lots of What’s App messages and now we’ve been on a date, he’s started to pay me quite afew compliments. Last night and this morning he wrote things like ‘You’re really beautiful’ and ‘I’m really glad I’ve met you, you’re gorgeous’, but I seem to be internally rejecting his niceness. After doing soooo much work on myself over the last few months, how can I have gone backwards and now not feel comfortbale receiving nice comments. It’s such a shock to know that I feel this way. I never used to have a problem receiving compliments, in fact they made me feel good, happy inside, justified that I was a nice person, was loved and socially accepted. But after soul searching, I’ve realised that the core of my problems, the issue that drives all of my behaviours, the layer beneath the layer that was fine with accepting compliments, is an ‘I don’t feel good enough’ layer. And to top it off, his compliments are making me feel physically uncomfortable inside. WOW!! What a realisation!! I didn’t even know that I felt this way about myself. It’s easy to say ‘Of course I love myself’ but its another thing to truly feel it and believe it at the core of all your programming. Underneath my layer of being ok with nice comments, was a little girl who didn’t feel that she was enough. I know that all of this comes from childhood stuff, but the realisation is still a shock. I didn’t have a bad childhood, but what I picked up in my early years of understanding myself, musn’t have been good.
I feel though that this isn’t a step backwards, but a step forwards to becoming whole. In my world 2 wholes equal 1. Both people entering into a relationship need to be whole in order to have a beautifully deep connected soulmate relationship. I’m on my way to finding true love and with alittle bit more work, I’ll heal another part of me.