Relationships: I Didn’t Know I was Guilty Of Self Sabotage

Self Sabotage and Me

If someone would have asked me if I had any ‘self sabotage’ tendencies before last week, the answer would of been no. But after my first therapy session, meditation and therapy I gave to myself afew days after, I’ve discovered that I’m actually guilty of self sabotage. I’m really shocked by this discovery because I’ve always thought that things have just worked out the way they have, just because they have. But since my therapy, I’m now discovering even more of myself, uncovering layers I didn’t know existed and am starting to understand what is at the core of my being and why I behave this way.

I won’t go too much into what happened during my session, as I’m still processing it all and feel the next few weeks will reveal more, but at the core of my being and the reason I subconsciously destroy situations, opportunities and experiences is deeply related to the post that I wrote last month – Am I enough. I had Internal Family Systems by Charmain Berry a Psychotherapist based in Manchester and in a short time what we worked on was truly remarkable. We worked on my Solar Plexus as I told her that’s where one of my blockages were and by the end of the session, I felt much lighter and uncovered a lost 7 year old girl (me) in need of love, care and attention. The Solar Plexus anxiety I was experiencing prior to the session was because I was afraid of letting go. 2 days later after a meditation I replicated what Charmain did and was stunned to find another (teenage) girl also in need of deep love, care and attention. I’m guessing that a series of events and situations that happened throughout my childhood, bit by bit, made me disconnect, keep everybody at arms length and prevent any attempts at anyone trying to get close to me, as a protective mechanism. This is beyond deep, but I can now see why self healing is so important to our evolution, our very existence and finding true love. Even when we think we have a pretty good idea of who we are, there are always more layers to uncover. Layers similar to a jigsaw puzzle, that once sorted and figured out, will allow us to see the bigger picture, act positively with clearer intentions and understand how to go about achieving our desires.

How is this related to finding true love? Because now I can see (looking back) how I have pushed guys away, not given them a chance, nor portrayed myself in the best light, subconsciously said things to put them off me and placed barriers up to divert the path to a relationship….WOW!! And I thought that I’ve been single all this time because I haven’t met the right person (which is kind of true but to not of had short term boyfriends either) this is definitely why.

I’ll share more details about my therapy in time to come, I just wanted to share with you more about my current journey of self healing and the way things are unfolding day by day. Everything in life is interlinked, thoughts create reality, your past determines your future and life really is like a quest. Once we understand this, delve into the complexity of who we are and figure out who we truly are – only then can we experience true deeply connected love. Love is most definitely a journey, not a destination, whether its self love or soulmate love. The two go hand in hand.



Am I Enough?

I’m Not Enough

After taking some time out from dating to find myself alittle more and go deeper uncovering who I really am, I’ve now decided to start dating again. I’ve been talking to one guy exchanging lots of What’s App messages and now we’ve been on a date, he’s started to pay me quite afew compliments. Last night and this morning he wrote things like ‘You’re really beautiful’ and ‘I’m really glad I’ve met you, you’re gorgeous’, but I seem to be internally rejecting his niceness. After doing soooo much work on myself over the last few months, how can I have gone backwards and now not feel comfortbaleĀ receiving nice comments. It’s such a shock to know that I feel this way. I never used to have a problem receiving compliments, in fact they made me feel good, happy inside, justified that I was a nice person, was loved and socially accepted. But after soul searching, I’ve realised that the core of my problems, the issue that drives all of my behaviours, the layer beneath the layer that was fine with accepting compliments, is an ‘I don’t feel good enough’ layer. And to top it off, his compliments are making me feel physically uncomfortable inside. WOW!! What a realisation!! I didn’t even know that I felt this way about myself. It’s easy to say ‘Of course I love myself’ but its another thing to truly feel it and believe it at the core of all your programming. Underneath my layer of being ok with nice comments, was a little girl who didn’t feel that she was enough. I know that all of this comes from childhood stuff, but the realisation is still a shock. I didn’t have a bad childhood, but what I picked up in my early years of understanding myself, musn’t have been good.

I feel though that this isn’t a step backwards, but a step forwards to becoming whole. In my world 2 wholes equal 1. Both people entering into a relationship need to be whole in order to have a beautifully deep connected soulmate relationship. I’m on my way to finding true love and with alittle bit more work, I’ll heal another part of me.

I am beautiful quote