I’m Not Enough
After taking some time out from dating to find myself alittle more and go deeper uncovering who I really am, I’ve now decided to start dating again. I’ve been talking to one guy exchanging lots of What’s App messages and now we’ve been on a date, he’s started to pay me quite afew compliments. Last night and this morning he wrote things like ‘You’re really beautiful’ and ‘I’m really glad I’ve met you, you’re gorgeous’, but I seem to be internally rejecting his niceness. After doing soooo much work on myself over the last few months, how can I have gone backwards and now not feel comfortbale receiving nice comments. It’s such a shock to know that I feel this way. I never used to have a problem receiving compliments, in fact they made me feel good, happy inside, justified that I was a nice person, was loved and socially accepted. But after soul searching, I’ve realised that the core of my problems, the issue that drives all of my behaviours, the layer beneath the layer that was fine with accepting compliments, is an ‘I don’t feel good enough’ layer. And to top it off, his compliments are making me feel physically uncomfortable inside. WOW!! What a realisation!! I didn’t even know that I felt this way about myself. It’s easy to say ‘Of course I love myself’ but its another thing to truly feel it and believe it at the core of all your programming. Underneath my layer of being ok with nice comments, was a little girl who didn’t feel that she was enough. I know that all of this comes from childhood stuff, but the realisation is still a shock. I didn’t have a bad childhood, but what I picked up in my early years of understanding myself, musn’t have been good.
I feel though that this isn’t a step backwards, but a step forwards to becoming whole. In my world 2 wholes equal 1. Both people entering into a relationship need to be whole in order to have a beautifully deep connected soulmate relationship. I’m on my way to finding true love and with alittle bit more work, I’ll heal another part of me.