Why I didn’t Have Sex With You

Sex: Then and Now

As I continue to self heal and look back on past relationships, flings, dates and everything in between. I’ve noticed that the more work I’m doing and the deeper I go, the more I understand that having sex too soon, sleeping with the wrong guy and an uneven exchange of energy is something I’m not willing to do anymore. I’m always saying that between the age of 20-30, guys have so much to get out of their system (dating, relationships, lusting, cheating, sleeping around etc) that I didn’t want to be part of that and wanted someone older that has been there, done it and knows what he wants. But for women it’s the same in a different sort of way. We too have alot to experience and stuff to get out of our system. It’s a mine field out there when it comes to dating, sex and relationships and throughout our adult teenage years, through to late 20’s, we also need to understand what it’s all about and figure out what we want (there’s also different levels of understanding and knowing what you want, but I’ll go into that in another post).

The one thing that’s becoming really apparent to me especially doing such deep healing this year, is that I WILL NOT have sex with a man that can’t match and reciprocate the conscious even energy exchange during sex. I’ve been saying no for the last 3 years (after I quickly learnt from my previous years what guys were about), but recently I’ve been consciously making the decision to say no in full awareness with no what if’s or but’s. Initially I started saying no because I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere, they were using me or I knew I didn’t want it to go anywhere, but over the last few months I’m saying no for much deeper reasons. See I’ve realised that there’s a difference between conscious sex and unconscious sex and it’s the latter that I am not willing to do anymore. I’m not willing to give myself to a man that (for whatever reason) can’t hold a loving space for me, who’s goal is to ejaculate as fast as possible and who isn’t prepared to think far far beyond his usual bedroom routine. I’m not saying that I’ll never have sex until I find this special person, but when I make the choice to have sex, it’ll be done consciously and I’ll be doing it because I want to.

Here’s all the reasons why I’ve said NO to all you guys previous to the last 12months:

  1. Because I know the lines you’re spinning are just to get me into to bed.
  2. Because I know afterwards you’ll be no where to be seen or reply less frequently to my texts because you think you’ve got me.
  3. Because you only want to fulfil your fantasy.
  4. Because you think I’m hot and have the best body you’ve ever seen.
  5. Because you just wonder what it’ll be like.
  6. Because you’re only thinking with your downstairs brain.
  7. Because you have no intention of committing.
  8. Because your want is out of desperation.
  9. Because the sex will be completely rubbish and leave me feeling empty afterwards.
  10. Because I’m not your bootycall.

And to the few that I’ve said no to within the last 12 months, this is why:

  1. Because I want to be fully respected in every moment before, during and after sex. And if I know you don’t understand the true meaning of respect, how can I expect you to show it to me.
  2. Because my vagina isn’t a hole just for your pleasure. It’s the most sacred part of me.
  3. Because I don’t want you to treat it like a punch bag, thinking harder or faster makes you king.
  4. Because sexual anatomy is something I’m pretty sure you haven’t studied. There’s more to me than nipples, a clitoris and a vagina.
  5. Because I want someone that I can do sensual touch and Red Tantra with and if you don’t know what a Chakra is, you’ll not stick around long enough to learn before I am willing to have sex with you.
  6. Because I want a man to honour me as a female, a goddess and the giver of life to this planet.
  7. Because I want a man who knows the difference between conscious sex, unconscious sex, love making, fucking, a quickie, banging and every other sexual act/name out there.
  8. Because I want a man that doesn’t roll over and go to sleep after he ejaculates.
  9. Because I want a man who doesn’t emotionally blackmail me if I don’t give him what he wants.
  10. Because I don’t want to feel depleted, empty or used afterwards.


What do I want?

  • I want to be kissed so deeply that time disappears.
  • I want there to be an even exchange of energy.
  • I want (us both) to feel full whether we’re gazing into each other eyes, making love or enjoying a quickie.
  • I want someone that is willing to explore Red Tantra.
  • I want (us both) to be able to feel completely comfortable, grounded and loved (even if we’re not in love yet).
  • I want to constantly uncover layers of each other in the art of deep exploration.
  • And as the quote goes….I want this!!


#innerpeacetotruelove 15

I’ve now realised that sex has the ability to be sacred whether it’s a one night stand or making love, but if a man hasn’t done the work on himself in order for him to understand all of the above and isn’t fully ready to enjoy sex in a conscious way, then the answer will always be no.

Edited: After reading this post back afew times parts of it seem like I am talking from ego, but I come from a place of love, so instead of changing the words, I’d like to add this.

‘To all of the men that I have said no to, I love you and honour you as a man and for being part of my journey (good or not so good). For the good times and for the lessons, I thank you, because without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today.’





  1. Dating Shenanigans · January 11, 2016

    This is a beautiful piece. Love how your reasons had nothing to do with society’s perspective on when you should have sex, but the need for it to be valuable sex.

    Liked by 1 person

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