Why I didn’t Have Sex With You

Sex: Then and Now

As I continue to self heal and look back on past relationships, flings, dates and everything in between. I’ve noticed that the more work I’m doing and the deeper I go, the more I understand that having sex too soon, sleeping with the wrong guy and an uneven exchange of energy is something I’m not willing to do anymore. I’m always saying that between the age of 20-30, guys have so much to get out of their system (dating, relationships, lusting, cheating, sleeping around etc) that I didn’t want to be part of that and wanted someone older that has been there, done it and knows what he wants. But for women it’s the same in a different sort of way. We too have alot to experience and stuff to get out of our system. It’s a mine field out there when it comes to dating, sex and relationships and throughout our adult teenage years, through to late 20’s, we also need to understand what it’s all about and figure out what we want (there’s also different levels of understanding and knowing what you want, but I’ll go into that in another post).

The one thing that’s becoming really apparent to me especially doing such deep healing this year, is that I WILL NOT have sex with a man that can’t match and reciprocate the conscious even energy exchange during sex. I’ve been saying no for the last 3 years (after I quickly learnt from my previous years what guys were about), but recently I’ve been consciously making the decision to say no in full awareness with no what if’s or but’s. Initially I started saying no because I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere, they were using me or I knew I didn’t want it to go anywhere, but over the last few months I’m saying no for much deeper reasons. See I’ve realised that there’s a difference between conscious sex and unconscious sex and it’s the latter that I am not willing to do anymore. I’m not willing to give myself to a man that (for whatever reason) can’t hold a loving space for me, who’s goal is to ejaculate as fast as possible and who isn’t prepared to think far far beyond his usual bedroom routine. I’m not saying that I’ll never have sex until I find this special person, but when I make the choice to have sex, it’ll be done consciously and I’ll be doing it because I want to.

Here’s all the reasons why I’ve said NO to all you guys previous to the last 12months:

  1. Because I know the lines you’re spinning are just to get me into to bed.
  2. Because I know afterwards you’ll be no where to be seen or reply less frequently to my texts because you think you’ve got me.
  3. Because you only want to fulfil your fantasy.
  4. Because you think I’m hot and have the best body you’ve ever seen.
  5. Because you just wonder what it’ll be like.
  6. Because you’re only thinking with your downstairs brain.
  7. Because you have no intention of committing.
  8. Because your want is out of desperation.
  9. Because the sex will be completely rubbish and leave me feeling empty afterwards.
  10. Because I’m not your bootycall.

And to the few that I’ve said no to within the last 12 months, this is why:

  1. Because I want to be fully respected in every moment before, during and after sex. And if I know you don’t understand the true meaning of respect, how can I expect you to show it to me.
  2. Because my vagina isn’t a hole just for your pleasure. It’s the most sacred part of me.
  3. Because I don’t want you to treat it like a punch bag, thinking harder or faster makes you king.
  4. Because sexual anatomy is something I’m pretty sure you haven’t studied. There’s more to me than nipples, a clitoris and a vagina.
  5. Because I want someone that I can do sensual touch and Red Tantra with and if you don’t know what a Chakra is, you’ll not stick around long enough to learn before I am willing to have sex with you.
  6. Because I want a man to honour me as a female, a goddess and the giver of life to this planet.
  7. Because I want a man who knows the difference between conscious sex, unconscious sex, love making, fucking, a quickie, banging and every other sexual act/name out there.
  8. Because I want a man that doesn’t roll over and go to sleep after he ejaculates.
  9. Because I want a man who doesn’t emotionally blackmail me if I don’t give him what he wants.
  10. Because I don’t want to feel depleted, empty or used afterwards.


What do I want?

  • I want to be kissed so deeply that time disappears.
  • I want there to be an even exchange of energy.
  • I want (us both) to feel full whether we’re gazing into each other eyes, making love or enjoying a quickie.
  • I want someone that is willing to explore Red Tantra.
  • I want (us both) to be able to feel completely comfortable, grounded and loved (even if we’re not in love yet).
  • I want to constantly uncover layers of each other in the art of deep exploration.
  • And as the quote goes….I want this!!


#innerpeacetotruelove 15

I’ve now realised that sex has the ability to be sacred whether it’s a one night stand or making love, but if a man hasn’t done the work on himself in order for him to understand all of the above and isn’t fully ready to enjoy sex in a conscious way, then the answer will always be no.

Edited: After reading this post back afew times parts of it seem like I am talking from ego, but I come from a place of love, so instead of changing the words, I’d like to add this.

‘To all of the men that I have said no to, I love you and honour you as a man and for being part of my journey (good or not so good). For the good times and for the lessons, I thank you, because without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today.’




Relationships: I Didn’t Know I was Guilty Of Self Sabotage

Self Sabotage and Me

If someone would have asked me if I had any ‘self sabotage’ tendencies before last week, the answer would of been no. But after my first therapy session, meditation and therapy I gave to myself afew days after, I’ve discovered that I’m actually guilty of self sabotage. I’m really shocked by this discovery because I’ve always thought that things have just worked out the way they have, just because they have. But since my therapy, I’m now discovering even more of myself, uncovering layers I didn’t know existed and am starting to understand what is at the core of my being and why I behave this way.

I won’t go too much into what happened during my session, as I’m still processing it all and feel the next few weeks will reveal more, but at the core of my being and the reason I subconsciously destroy situations, opportunities and experiences is deeply related to the post that I wrote last month – Am I enough. I had Internal Family Systems by Charmain Berry a Psychotherapist based in Manchester and in a short time what we worked on was truly remarkable. We worked on my Solar Plexus as I told her that’s where one of my blockages were and by the end of the session, I felt much lighter and uncovered a lost 7 year old girl (me) in need of love, care and attention. The Solar Plexus anxiety I was experiencing prior to the session was because I was afraid of letting go. 2 days later after a meditation I replicated what Charmain did and was stunned to find another (teenage) girl also in need of deep love, care and attention. I’m guessing that a series of events and situations that happened throughout my childhood, bit by bit, made me disconnect, keep everybody at arms length and prevent any attempts at anyone trying to get close to me, as a protective mechanism. This is beyond deep, but I can now see why self healing is so important to our evolution, our very existence and finding true love. Even when we think we have a pretty good idea of who we are, there are always more layers to uncover. Layers similar to a jigsaw puzzle, that once sorted and figured out, will allow us to see the bigger picture, act positively with clearer intentions and understand how to go about achieving our desires.

How is this related to finding true love? Because now I can see (looking back) how I have pushed guys away, not given them a chance, nor portrayed myself in the best light, subconsciously said things to put them off me and placed barriers up to divert the path to a relationship….WOW!! And I thought that I’ve been single all this time because I haven’t met the right person (which is kind of true but to not of had short term boyfriends either) this is definitely why.

I’ll share more details about my therapy in time to come, I just wanted to share with you more about my current journey of self healing and the way things are unfolding day by day. Everything in life is interlinked, thoughts create reality, your past determines your future and life really is like a quest. Once we understand this, delve into the complexity of who we are and figure out who we truly are – only then can we experience true deeply connected love. Love is most definitely a journey, not a destination, whether its self love or soulmate love. The two go hand in hand.


Relationships: Conscious vs Unconscious

Conscious vs Unconscious

Over the last few years I’ve toyed with the idea of being in a conscious relationship vs an unconscious one and have often thought what it would be like if an unconscious person fell for a conscious person, what would happen? Would it work out? For the first 2 years of my awakening I didn’t know what to think as I was too busy feeling upside down. I dated some unconscious men and some very wise ones, but I wasn’t fully sure where my journey was going, so I didn’t pay too much attention to finding someone who was as awakened as me. I was just trying to make sense of what was happening and date in between the not so turbulant times. The 3rd year, after awakening alittle further, I was adamant that if two people weren’t both conscious, there was no chance of it working. I didn’t see how it could be possible. One wanting to watch Coronation Street and the other wanting to go deep, meditate and have endless enlightening coversations. What chance did it have of lasting if they were up against that every day. But now I’m in the fourth year of conscious living, I don’t really know where I’m at with it all. I’ve had my eye out for a nice Spiritual guy but haven’t seem to come across any that I’m compatible with. After 4 years of deep healing, turning myself inside out, living consciously and being on this ever evolving road to love and enlightenment, my thoughts lie with this answer – I really don’t know. I think it would be difficult to have a relationship when the awareness of both individuals are worlds apart, but who knows whats possible anymore. Two conscious people are able to have a deeply connected relationship, but with everyone waking up so quickly, the vibration of a conscious person could raise the vibration of an unconscious person and allow them too to have a beautifully deep connected relationship also.

The beauty of a soulmate connection is what I so truly long for. That ebb and flow of energy, easy living, deep conversations and the constant love and exploration of one another on a soul level; is what the world needs.


Wacky World Of Love

The Soulmate Journey

As I make my way through life and my soulmate journey, I’m begining to realise (on a relaxed level) just how different men and women are and its making me wonder just how compatible we really are; or is it a case of opposites attract!! I read an article over the weeeknd about Twin Flames and it really put into perspective why some relationships are so difficult. Although I delve into relationships for work, I’m so intrigued by this, that I’ve created a non-public Facebook group for people to talk openly and honestly about things such as, being single, dating, relationships and everything in between. If men and women could talk to one another informally, perhaps it might help understand one another more and figure out what’s going on in this wacky world of love.

If you’d like to join in the discussions, leave me a comment and I’ll add you to the group.